Authenticity

Sid Vicious could be the original bad-ass I think. Reckless, driven, crazy, angst ridden...but completely AUTHENTIC. (And a bit of a D-bag...)

The official definition of authentic is the quality of being genuine or not corrupted from the original. Wow...not corrupted from the original. From the original what? What the hell was I before I am what I am now? Oh that's right...ME.

Just Got an Email

As I was writing this a new FB Friend sent me an email about depression that said, "...we lose our connection to our higher selves." (She might as well have said our original selves.)
I think we all feel our higher selves...what I call the real me...but most of us don't have the courage to let him or her out. We are afraid...or at least I am. Of what I'm not sure...maybe of losing what I have. I wonder if that's where a lot of our stress comes from...trying to hang on to what we know as the universe pushes us to change along with it. We fight it...and burn our :30 in the process...possibly robbing the world of our purpose.

No Apologies. Brave? Really?

I feel a little bit like an angst-ridden teenager here...and I'm almost compelled to apologize for it. But that would be out of fear of what people will think of me for what I write...not because I really want to apologize. So...screw it.

People have told me that I am brave for putting this stuff out there...but why the hell not? If life is ultimately a hash mark between "Born and Died" on a headstone than what are we so afraid of? We're afraid of being judged...and it holds us back...creates anxiety with pasted on smiles...and an urgency to find our true selves. Maybe it's not about finding our true selves...but allowing ourselves to live that way.

Dead and Gone

Sid Vicious is dead and gone...his hash mark etched in history. He lived a short time, pissed off a lot of people, but inspired others by his ability to be genuine. He was a genuine asshole and certainly lived his :30 uncorrupted from his original asshole self.

That must be the real rock star appeal for me...an uncorrupted allegiance to ones original self...authenticity personified. That's where I'm heading now...don't judge me too harshly...'kay?

Peace

WTF

I don't know why I love this picture so much. I'm what one might call a pseudo-Johnny Cash fan. A casual listener. (Though his cover of "Hurt" is the coolest.)

I think I love it because it's the way I feel right now. Screw everything, ya' know? I'm not giving up...maybe just giving in...to what IS. I've been here before and it's a comforting spot. We fight so f*cking hard to make the universe and our lives the way we want them to be...and get worn out in the process. Sometimes you just have to say WTF and grab yourself a beer.

I also believe that when we reach a spot of acceptance things begin to change...hopefully for the better. If it doesn't...well...we have to accept that as well. Maybe that's our best revenge...to take the sh*t that life gives us sometimes...and give it the finger right back. Not because we hate life...but because we'll take it...the good and the bad.

Dreams

Never give up on a dream. Fight for it at all costs. Plant your dreams firmly in your mind and heart, and then fight like hell to let it happen for you.

Setbacks, roadblocks, brick walls...accept them as part of your journey, but don't give them ultimate power. Deal with them against the backdrop of your dreams, but don't let them have the final word. Bust through them, or dismantle them piece-by-piece...persevere...while you continue on your path.

Waging War in Baby Steps

The real war(against achieving your dreams) is waged not in monumental battle scenes but minute-to-minute victories. It is the people that continuously put one foot in front of the other despite setbacks...always moving in the direction of their dreams...that live their :30 with purpose.

Big and little steps alike make a journey. Some steps are light and carefree, others are burdened with doubt and anxiety. The point...in either case...is to keep moving toward your goal, even when the likelihood of success seems remote. Strike that...especially when the likelihood of success seems remote.

A Quickie...

This is unedited so excuse grammatical errors like run-ons and missed punctuation and other stuff that doesn't seem to fit. (I don't even know what a run-on is. I'm sure some of you do.)

I spent the evening answering emails to long lost friends and people I know from all over. It's amazing how cool some people can be. As I was writing personal things I decided that this blog is something I should give up because Thirty Seconds is my deal...my belief...and why does it matter what I think beyond that.

So...I'm not sure I will keep this going. But I DID feel the need to post tonight for some reason. Maybe because I'm starting to see that people really DO care more than I thought. They may not know how to communicate...and clearly they take our lead (the cancer people)...but they are not silent because they don't care. They just don't know what the hell to do. It wasn't that long ago I was the same way.

Whatever. I just want to say that despite the shit...on a night like tonight...I realize that we are all in this mess together. Those of us who don't understand that...and isolate ourselves...are the miserable ones.

As I said...this is going nowhere. Just know that new lessons present themselves everyday. Not new to the world...but new to me. (And sorry this is so lame.)

Be Where You Are to Move On

Before we begin I'd like to let everyone know that my writing style will change just a little bit from here on out. I decided last night I wasn't being honest with myself or those who are interested enough to read this. Therefore, I feel it is only fair to let you know that my language may be a little over the top once in a while. (Not like Penthouse Forum. Your types will need to look elsewhere for that.) Thank you for your time...let's get on with it...

Moving on after a major life change or upset is difficult to do...seems almost impossible most of the time. We spend a sh*t load of time...of our :30 seconds...reliving what was...what we lost...maybe missing what might have been. Our thoughts are everywhere but where we are...even though we want to get the hell out of where we are. We want to move on...but we are trapped by the hurt, or anger, or jealousy or any number of destructive emotions that keep us in the pit. It's all so exhausting and sometimes we can't wait for the day to end because it hurts so f*cking bad. What kind of life is that? Wasted...if we stay there.

I did a little experiment on myself today. I sat down with a notepad and tried to write down everything that popped into my head over a five minute stretch. It is NOT an easy thing to do because our brains are on crack compared to what we are capable of writing. What I found when I was done was a bunch of disconnected thoughts that were rarely "here"...but more "there." They were worrisome, scared, self-righteous, jealous, with very few good things on the list.

That's when I realized for about the 798th time that I rarely think about or experience what it going on in the present moment. I'm too caught up thinking about the sh*ttiness of life and how things would be better if only this hadn't happened...or that would happen. And so I am stuck...but I want to move on...and away from the sh*ttiness.

I read a book by Eckhardt Tolle called, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. In a nutshell he explains that the end of all suffering is for us to accept where we are...and be present...and life won't be all that bad. (If you haven't read it don't go any further. Click the link above and buy it...NOW.)

I repeated my experiment only this time I recorded everything I was experiencing and/or seeing over another 5 minutes. The results were kind of amazing. While the list was hardly dramatic I realized when I was done that I had climbed out of the pit for that full 5 minutes. I didn't really care about the past or the future or even what I was going to have for dinner tonight. None of it mattered...because it's not even real.

And then it occurred to me that I had "moved on" during that 5 minute "be present" exercise. Are my problems still there? I guess so...but I'm not sure because they are never actually happening. They may have happened...or will happen...but right now...well...they are only mental pictures.

I suggest you do the same exercise and see what happens. Write out your random thoughts on the first go 'round. Then...spend another 5 minutes completely aware of where you are. What you see, hear, smell, taste, feel and anything else you're capable of experiencing. I think it will be a good thing for you. I think you'll find that for a brief moment you were free from the heavy issues that are stealing your time here.

I hope to spend more time there...or...here...so I can move on. What a crazy paradox, huh? Be where you are to move on. Let me know how it goes.

Screw You...

This is a tough one...but I think it's important. We should do everything in our power to forgive people we think screwed us over. Chances are they weren't trying to hurt you directly...they were just trying to make their own lives better.

Paths will cross down the road...and you'll be able to look them dead in the eye without drawing a line in the sand. They...on the other hand...will have a hard time looking back. Actually that kind of blows too. Life is just too damn short for that.

Breathing

I was doing that thinking thing this morning after I woke up. You know that type of thinking, right? It's after you wake up...when you plan out your day...plot your revenge...put off going to the bathroom...and you're happy about this or sad about that.

Anyhow, I had this thought: It's a good thing breathing is an unconscious act...because my mind is so damn busy thinking these things...and feeling sorry myself...that I'd forget to do it. (And then I would die.)